The Journey Begins

Well the 3rd session came and went like the others..well not really..on my way there i was telling myself turn around go home this is not working for you…but i went any rate…I sat there nothing really to say…she tried to get me to talk but i just had nothing to offer nothing to say …. we talked a bit about addictions and they various ways they manifest themselves to people and they way they take control with out people really knowing it and by we i mean she ..I sat there like a lump….

later that night something happened that i had wanted to take care of for sooo long…I had two forces that were in my life that i thought i needed or wanted…well last night the collided and alll crap hit the fan…now you would think that me in the state of mind that I have been in for the past god know how long  this would have done me in….but no just the opposite….a huge burden has been lifet off me..I can clearly the wave that i faced for so long….is nothing more the a ripple…in a stream as opposed to a major tidal wave in the ocean…i feel…i just feel..i am human…i am alive…oh i lost one of my closet friends in the process and that bites…

I have always been the guy to ask why..not how or who but why..why am i here in this spot at this time..why is this event taking place…why is this person in my life now?  I see things as they were meant to be…i can understand things and see how they work…yesterday i gave God the middle finger..told him to “bring it”  He did.  I feel like i have my life back  some what…he brought it on a way that i did not see coming..i am not a huge religious kinda guy..church in Sundays about do it for me….but I cannot help think that maybe he or something is looking out for me.  Now don’t get me wrong i know that i have lied and cheated to get me to this point and that is what i am getting help for as well as a whole host of OTHER issues and it has caused pain and suffering and confusion to those around me, but for today and right now..i have clarity..i can move forward..not tied to an dead emotion..not tied to something that is not real…I can make a new start in my life..it will be had and painful i am sure..but NOW i can face it with honesty and courage…and know that i am not alone…

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