The Journey Begins

It is Tuesday..mid day…and i wanna just fucking shot myself…

i am in such an eternail rage…i dont care any more..i feel so cold and black and dead on the inside..i actually feel dizzy and my hands feel like they are asleep….I have a millioin things in my head screaming at me yelling at me..all these feelings that i cannot control..all these thoughts that i cannot handle..just make it stop..some one make it stop i am out of control…

so so hungry and tired..canot sleep cannot eat…what is next..keep yelling at god what is next….bring it..i just dont care any more..finish me off you stupid almighty being..what is the point..to be a puppet in some sort of a cosmic play for your amusement…pretty cleaver hiding the way you do…boarder line cowardly…face me tell me what you want form em i dare you…nothing..everynight nothing…silience…what do you want from me…what kind of god would trap a person like this …

i have lost 15 lbs in the past 3 weeks…my hair is falling out and i have not slept a good night slept in a month…long slow death..a long kiss good night… I just wish this was all done…i cannot hide it at work anymore..people asre startign to ask and talk behind my back…i know what they say and i no longer care.  I get up in the morning take 6 steps to my closet..then 10 steps to the stairs…every day..I can map it in my head….i could do it in my sleep….

I have this voice in my head telling to suck it up life is hard…move on do what you do best survive…I feel like i have let that voice down…i feel like it is disappointed  in me….my arms are numb ..it is spreading…i just want to sleep…it is 12.30 in the afternoon…the darkness is here beating me down..nothing new..but the only difference ..is that now i have to fake it because i am at work…

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