The Journey Begins

Well the weekend cam and went with no real fan fare. The boys came over Friday night. Ian has found a new web site that he likes to view..LEGOS.COM…There are games stories and mini movies that he thinks a neat, Spencer and I wrestled on the floor and played blocks. Ian concerns me for some reason..He does not smile, he seems to be a little with drawn…may be it is a phase maybe he is just finding his own way..but with a little extra attention he perks right up…they had Bible School at his church this week..They both made hot air balloons form different sized dryer hose. I look at them and I wonder what their lives are going to be when the grow up..who they are going to date..what sports are they going to play..what paths they will follow in college…I feel small….

After a night of “living room camping” we got up and got ready to head to my parents house…It was your basic Saturday…Laundry..Washed the truck..played some soccer with Ian and my dad…chased Spencer around…it was a good day..my mind was clear and felt fresh….was nice…They had lunch I just watched them eat and giggle and talk to Grandma and Grandpa..I felt like I was watching a movie..like i was detached not really having any ties there…just on observer of sorts..it was strange…

We headed back to my place the boys feel asleep..guess the fresh air and running around did them in….my ex pick them up shortly…my neighbor grilled out…he does that from time to time….he is a great guy older black man that has done everything..he gave me ribs and some soda…i was not hungry still not ribs are in fridge…maybe the boys will want them for dinner Monday…

I thought I had something to do Saturday night I was wrong..I watched a movie…

Sunday..went to church..went to my parents house…helped them leave for Russia..they will be gone for 3 weeks…I have no one to talk to now..I could call my mom and talk or listen or have my dad come over..but now nothing…I can feel that wave again…I went home sat on my couch..not hungry not tired but starving and about to pass out..

MY, I have no idea what to call it..Mental State?… as caused me to lose about 15 lbs now..i cannot eat i just wind up puking some time shortly after..I might be able to choke down a granola bar or sandwich…I really hate this..I am a non human…I drift in and out of peoples lives..no real ties..nothing that any one would want to really want to remember when i am gone…just a silent observer…

I have always wondered what it would be like if i was to get a card or an email from some one saying HEY..Just thinking about ya..no real motive..no real reason why out side of i crossed their mind..i miss phone calls i miss just idle talks about anything and everything…

One bright spot this weekend..I put a nail in the coffin of being on line….well till now that is…

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