The Journey Begins

Had my second session with a shrink tonight. I am not really sure if it was beneficial or not. We talked about my sister for a minute and people that I had in my life….We talked about why i went to the hospital Saturday…

I went to the hospital if anything looking for something that would allow me to sleep at night…in talking with the people in the ER they said that they would “go to bat for me” and get me in to see a DR thru Life Ways. Mike said he would call and personally and set this up and explain the urgency of the problem. The lady that Italked to at Lifeways last night, Beth, new nothing of this. NO phone call no DR set up no nothing..Thanks Mike, no phone call no DR, no nothing. Thanks for going to bat for me..I fucking appreciate it!!…

What can I expect I guess…People say the wanna help..that the wanna stay with me thru this….but they leave..they go away..they don’t wanna deal with this..I cannot blame them..I cannot be upset with them… I mean would you?…

My session with Beth drifted into broken relationship..issues with my parents the into REALLY dark areas regarding past loves that have come and gone and things that I cannot repair…problems that I cannot fix.

I just see a lot of hurt that i have caused and pain that i have inflicted on people. I want to make it better. I want to help with that, but some don’t want my help some just want to stay upset with me, they just want me to go away.

After our talk Beth asked me if i wanted to come back…I was floored…I did not know what to say…I lay here battered and bruised and she wants to know if I wanted to come back..am i not doing this right, and i not talking enough..I don’t get it… I guess that the way that the system works is i get 3 FREE visits for evaluations. From there she will make a recommendation regarding further treatments out side of Lifeways. She has filled out paper work to get me into a DR. This could take 2 weeks…I am starting to doubt if this is really worth it..All I want is a pill to take away the pain that I feel in side. Something to take away the grief that i feel for ruining things..something that will let my mind be free of all this.

I have stepped out and sought help for the first time in my life…I have been abandoned, lied to, forgot about and yelled at, and misunderstood…I am starting to seriously doubt things here….but I will press on for as long as i can take it….

I am tired and i have to sleep..or at least go lay down…

It is 3.30 in the morning..I am wide awake…had a night mare… i dreamed that there was something in my house a force or demon or spirit of some sort calling me from behind the wall pulling at the covers of my bed..it had no face no real shape just a dark could a fog of sorts floating at the foot of my bed…it made me look at what i have done with people and the missed opportunities to right a wrong and to do good by some one else. It was in my head reminding me that I am alone.

I wish I had the courage to write what I see on the inside..what I KNOW needs to be done..but I cannot…the words fail me…I wish I could just let you see what I see..let you feel what I feel..Just for a moment..maybe I could be understood then…I wish MY side could be seen…

Tt is a long hard road that I am on…I am trying my hardest…I really am..but it is JUST me…

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