The Journey Begins

IT is Monday….the weekend is past me…

it was a very stressful emotional draining weekend…and i am tired…i spent Saturday in the ER. i was hoping to be stabilized on some sort of meds…at least something to let me sleep…i was there for 6 hours i think…my father drove me…and he stayed the whole time…they wanted to keep me there for 72 hours to talk to people and see what was going on..i did not do this..out of sheer stupidity and pride…

i know these people, jill and mike and my father, are all there just to help me….I just want to sleep…my father stayed with me at my house i slept on the couch ..television on.. he took the easy chair….it was nice to have some one there..i miss company…that is what i miss the most…the company of others…i do not have friends in the traditional sense…i have friends that are my friends as long as i can tell a good joke..make them smile or help them out…i am realizing this…to me a good friend will sit with you when I need to hear a joke or be made to smile…i dont know maybe i am asking to much maybe i have a “halmark” view of friends and what their roles are in my life..

I got up the next morning..put one foot on the floor then the other and forced my self to get up..emotionally spent, physically drained i faced the day…one foot in front of the other… i am swimming in blackness now treading water bobbing up and down in this sea of uncertainty seeing things in ways i have never seen them before…i feel like i am in slow motion watching things speed past me…

i made it to church…i like going there energy people sounds loudness all around me…my new friend found me and sat beside me..she is soo perky and giggly..she said i looked tired and not to well wondered it things were ok…i forced a smile and just said stressful week my arm twinged in the spot where the took blood the night before….it hurt like something inside was trying to get out….

the sermon was good..it was ..and get this…relationships..I almost cried…it was how we all have parts of god in us as humans…and that every one on earth has different parts..put us together as a whole and it gives us a good glimps of what god is and how that relates to us….it was interesting to me to think of life like that and my place in it…it was comfort to me that on a “spiritual” level i was part of something bigger….my firnd nudged me to make sure i was stil awake…

i left church feeling pretty good..well better then i have in a few months at any rate..stoped to talk to my parents for a bit,,made my security check call to the hospital…

my brother in law called me talked to me for about and hour or so..i just lstened…he is a great guy ..lots of dreams lots of hope lots of love for my sister…

i need to eat but i cannot….i know i’ve lost weight…i dont keep a scale any more so i have no clue….i am tired

i have not been asleep in week. It is taking a toll on me…I can feel that wave starting to swell…like a wave on the ocean…quiet at first…easy, rolling, slowly gaining momentum and energy…gathering bits and pieces of to hold me frozen as it crashes over me..beating me down…maybe i will find the strength to stand against this wave…I wonder if anyone else feels this way..can feel it coming on..oh well Tuesday i have another visit with a shrink…hope it goes better then the last…

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