Jul 14 2007
Saturday…..
It is mid day Saturday…..
I know sit here a total failure….I look at my boys and know that i have faild as a father..i see my ex and I know that i have failed as a husband…i hear kelly’s voice and i know that i have failed her too…
Sucide is a funny thing…..some say it is selfish…to leave others with hurt and the wondering of what went wrong…that it should not be done because of every one else and how they would feel…
honestly…how is THIS any better? How is this constaint pain and lonelyness ANY better? How is that fair? What about MY feeling…I have heard the term ..”Gone to a better place..” What is wrong with that? Why Can’t I go to a better place? That is all i want….
I do not have a gun..i dont even have any pills…I dont know what to do but I knwo that i cannot stand another night with my thoughts….it hurts it is pain it is suffering…
why should I feel this way just so that others can feel better about them selves….? How fair is that?
I hate this pain..I hate it I hate it I hate it…I hate myself just as much…i just wanna be 7 again when nothing matters…..not 36 and realizing that I dont matter….
the darkenss is here now..and i think i will give in to its promise of sweet realase…. it seems sooo nice no more problems..I am sure that i might be missed for a time..but things change peopel move on..and i will just be a small memory to some if anything at all to others…
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