The Journey Begins

I could not get out of bed today.  It was all i could do to reach over to grab the phone and call in.  I am not sure why i get like that.  I laid on bed till like nine got myself some what together, drove my self to my church…not sure why I run there when things are unbearable.  I just wanted to talk to some one even though I didn’t really have anything to say I just wanted to be in the same room as someone….

I talked to this guy named Ben.  I think he is charge of the youth there, not sure.  He is a nice enough kinda guy, i could tell that he was listening to me with out thinking about what his next earth shattering statement was going to be.   He let me be quiet, he let me talk and he let me cry…we just talked for about an hour if that… it was good.

I headed home feeling a little better.  I stayed in bed for the rest of the day…or tried to…Kelly had called me at 8 in the morning then again before lunch, she had sent me an email saying she was worried and not having a good day.  She came over at lunch…I almost did not go to the door she knocked twice…i realy REALLY thoguht about answering the door.

She asked if i was ok…I could not speak..i muttered yes..she told me to call some one..Lifeways anyone that could help…I could not move I was froze.  She told me she could did nt know what to do any more and started for the door….I wanted her to stay sooo bad never leave just stay be there with me cry with me hold me listen to me be quiet…

 BUT………

 it hurts….to have her near…i destroyed the best most healthy relationship i have ever had with ANYONE…

i would kill to be-able to repair that…it ways heavy on my mind…oh well she is my closet friend still i will have to protect that as best as i can…

 Kelly called my parents….I am not sure how long they talked or what they talked about….(My family REALLY likes her she was - is  - a good fit in that way)  i did not ask what was said..but it is kinda cool that she called them like that….i am glad that she fells that kinda comfortable with them…..

My mother and father stopped by later that evening…they brought me dinner (chicken wraps and brownies and chocolate milk).  My boys were over for the evening….so we just talked for a bit and gave each hugs.  I feel strange during these times..almos disjointed for them and the sence of family..i guess being the black sheep tends to do that to a person….

well i am in bed right now cramed under the covers with my two boys….we usally watch a cartoon or two before falling asleep….I just got off the phone with Kelly….she calls me and we have a good talk…like it should be….

I see things in my self when i talk to her, little flickers of light as to what I can be..what i should be…and it is good…

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